


Connie Swap Episode 7: Assistant Connie

by br42, BurdenKing, MjStudioArts



Series: Connieswap [7]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Art, Gen, Momswap, Pictures, Slice of Life, Steven Universe AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-04 10:58:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10989528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/br42/pseuds/br42, https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurdenKing/pseuds/BurdenKing, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MjStudioArts/pseuds/MjStudioArts
Summary: Peridot has been sneaking off to work on a secret project and Connie decides to get involved. Mysteries, lore, and robonoid antics await!





	1. The Lapis Maneuver

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After you finish reading this chapter, there is a related omake story you might want to check out:  
> [The Boss Fight](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/24706131) by [CoreyWW](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW) \- “An exploration of what might have happened during Doug’s visit to the Universe household.”

Connie awoke feeling physically how she felt emotionally. _Did I sleep or did I lose a fight to a stress monster instead?_ she thought as she tried to get out of bed. Her legs and jaw were sore from being clenched and/or tense all night and the rest of her was registering assorted complaints as well.

However poor her sleep, though, it was evidently quite deep because Peridot had prepared breakfast without disturbing her. A plate was wrapped in foil with printed instructions left nearby on how Connie could reheat it and what signs to look out for should anything have spoiled between then and now.

As was usual, the advice was… detailed.

A meal and a shower later ( _All opposed to a long, hot shower instead of stretching?_ one corner of Connie’s mind asked the others. _Yeah, I thought not_ ) and Connie could almost pretend today was just an ordinary day. Almost.

While getting dressed she noticed the phone on her bedside table was blinking. Pushing aside fears that Steven was announcing his family’s imminent departure for someplace safer/saner, Connie checked and saw a message from her dad instead.

_* DoMa - 7:14am | Happy New Year’s to you too, sweetie. I’ll call you in a bit. I’m really sorry I couldn’t make it this year. I’m going to do better about that. I’ll be home soon._  
_There are some things we should talk about._

Connie’s inner voice spoke up again. _All opposed to putting off trying to unpack that last sentence?_

Once again, the silence was unanimous.

Connie was fed, cleaned, dressed, and very deliberately not thinking about quite a few things. With one last look around the Beach House, certainly not to see if anyone had emerged from the temple (they hadn’t), the girl opened the door and headed out.

* * *

Connie had thought the property damage would look worse during the day, but it looked even worse than that. If it hadn’t been for the almost palpable sense of hospitality Greg and Steven were giving off, Connie’s protective numbness might have cracked.

Mary had been supportive as well, but whereas Steven and his father were like a warm blanket or a pleasant sunbeam, Mary was more of a deep tissue massage: intense. When she’d departed to run some errands, Connie felt a curious sense of relief.

Connie posed next to the ruined fence. She was sitting on the edge of a force field she’d conjured, her shirt displaying a semicircle of yellow gemstone. Off-camera Steven pretended to scold his giant, red dog for all the damages, causing Connie to crack up a time or two.

“I’m pretty sure smiling in a picture for a damage claim annoys the insurance adjustors,” quipped Greg. “‘Course, I can’t imagine there’s much about this town they do like, so lemme know if you see that darn dog!”

* * *

Connie was looking over Greg’s shoulder as he sat at a desk, filling out the thick stack of papers that the printer had disgorged. Lion was busy claiming Connie as part of his demesne via vigorously rubbing against her legs. The feline was the only one not concerned with a particularly troublesome question.

_87c) Which of the following Gem-beings were active at the scene of the incident?_  
_[ ] Jaspen_  
_[ ] Lupus_  
_[ ] Pierre_  
_[ ] Citrine_

Connie, a hand unknowingly clutching her gemstone, told him to check the first three boxes. Greg swiveled around to look at the girl (Lion batted his toes for the impudent interruption) then turned back to the form muttering something unflattering about beancounters.

_87c) Which of the following Gem beings were active at the scene of the incident?_  
_[x] Jaspen_  
_[x] Lupus_  
_[x] Pierre_  
_[x] ~~Citrine~~ Connie_

Connie felt a curious mix of melancholy and affirmation at seeing that particular Gordian Knot cut. Rather than dwell on those feelings, Connie opted instead to give Lion’s ears the attention they clearly deserved. Lion thought this an eminently sensible choice.

* * *

“Okay dad. Yeah, the seat in the corner by the blogger. No, I got- it’s one room, daddy!” exclaimed Connie with a laugh as her dad jokingly texted her his longitude and latitude coordinates within Fish Stew Pizza.

As she stepped inside she saw Doug wave at her from the aforementioned corner. Ronaldo was seated a table over, wearing headphones over a hat of questionable taste and doing something on his laptop. 

A woman with large, yellow earrings who looked about Sadie and Lars’ age was leaning against the countertop, bored and fiddling with her phone. A chipper female voice from the kitchen called out, “Welcome to Fish Stew Pizza. Take a seat and I’ll be with you in a moment.”

Seated, their drink and food orders taken by the professional and fastidious counterpart to the girl at the counter, Connie and Doug took a moment to smile at one another from across the table and compose their thoughts.

“Did you ever have a dog?” Connie asked.

Doug’s eyebrows shot up momentarily in surprise. “Yeah, mother was fond of Boston terriers, who were fond of my father’s expensive shoes as I recall,” he said with a vindictive smile.

“Other than shoes,” Connie asked through a chuckle, “was there anything they particularly liked to eat that was healthy for them?”

Doug gave Connie a searching look. “Mother would have the housekeeper buy these fifty pound bags of _Yupper Pupper_ -brand dog food. The only time those animals were sick was when my old man used a particularly unpalatable shoe polish. Why do you ask?”

“No reason,” evaded Connie. “I’ve seen a stray around and was curious what I’d even feed it. If I were to feed it.” Connie coughed. “So…”

Doug fixed her with a stare before suddenly announcing, “Oh, I nearly forgot,” then he reached down and withdrew a wrapped gift from his briefcase. 

Sliding it across the table to Connie, he exclaimed “Happy ‘I’m-not-waiting-until-your-birthday-to-give-you-this’ day!”

Connie giggled at the remark and again at the wrapping paper: there was a repeated image of a cat in a lab coat and goggles eating a cookie, with the caption _Cogito Ergo Nom_. 

The gift was obviously a book and she carefully peeled away the paper until she caught a glimpse of the title printed along the spine. All decorum was thrown out the window as Connie tore off the wrapping paper in a rush, showing...

“The Spirit Morph Saga, book five: _The Cursed Scion_?!” exclaimed Connie in wonder and disbelief.

Doug smiled widely at her. “You mentioned it during your birthday. Before all the… anyway, there’s a book vendor out there who owed me a favor after he and a book critic had a, uh, full and spirited debate at a conference I was working. I prevented it from becoming newsworthy and him from winding up in traction. So I got my girl an early copy.”

Connie and Doug stood up to embrace, the former clutching him almost as tightly as the book in her hand and the latter radiating paternal contentment.

The waitress, Kiki, delivered their drinks (lemonade for Doug, tea for Connie), prompting the pair to separate.

While Doug answered a quick text, Connie looked over and couldn’t help but glance at the blogger’s screen. Ronaldo was updating _Keep Beach City Weird_ with something about the Wandering Scandinavian Poltergeist.

 _I doubt serious news sources feature the phrases_ ‘as a skeptic of mortality’ _and_ ‘psychic communication with the spectral’; _Steven is braver than I for reading this stuff,_ she thought to herself.

Phone put away, Doug spent a moment with his straw fishing out the ‘wholly redundant’ lemon wedge floating in his drink. Once free, he offered the citrus to Connie and said, “Lemon for your thoughts?”

Connie chuckled and squeezed the proffered fruit over her drink. “I was just thinking about something Steven told me. He’s been trying to research gem stuff but I think some of his sources are a little questionable.”

Doug looked thoughtful. “Certainly a hazard. Between things I’ve seen and things your mom told me back in the day, I’d be hard pressed to tell fact from fiction when it comes to gem monsters. You don’t get chased off a beach by a monstrous coelacanth without realizing just how strange the facts can be,” he added, looking faintly nostalgic.

“Speaking of Steven,” he added, “how was your New Year’s Eve with him? Maybe this is just me getting old, but I still find it weird your buddy is the son of a musical act I used to follow in college.”

Connie took a deep breath, her barrier of emotional detachment managing to dampen the surge of anxiety. “It was… mixed. I- Uh, I mean- maybe we should eat our food first?” she suggested.

Doug reached out and took one of Connie’s hands in his own. “It’s alright, sweetie. Anything you have to say is something I’ll be happy to listen to. And I’m your dad; I’m supposed to do two things: make your life easier and scare the bejeezus out of any boyfriends that come along. Plus,” he was quick to add while Connie’s eyebrows shot up at that second responsibility, “I’ve got my secret weapon.”

He pointed to his drink.

“With all the surprises that come from being in proximity to the Crystal Gems, I learned quickly that it’s pretty much physically impossible to have a nervous breakdown if you’re drinking lemonade,” explained Doug with a mix of levity and sincerity.

Connie gave her dad a weak smile, then asked in a soft voice, “Do you know who Hiddenite is?”

Doug took a long drag on his straw, swallowed, and blew out a long breath. “Okay, what’d they do this time?”

* * *

Connie finished her partially sanitized retelling of events. Doug, meanwhile had downed two glasses of lemonade and was making swift progress on the third. Their pizza was sitting untouched and cooling between them.

“I’m sorry you went through all of that, sweetie. I- I should have been there,” he said, looking down for a moment. “It’s not fair you go through that while my night had…” but he cut himself off.

The sound of a straw drawing air was all the signal Kiki Pizza needed at this point; she refilled the customer’s glass promptly. Jenny had disappeared out the back ‘for a few’ while her twin covered for her.

“I’ll head over to Steven’s house after this and have a word with his parents; make sure everything gets straightened out,” said Doug. Connie recited their address to him. 

After he finished adding Greg and Mary’s info into his phone, he looked back at his daughter. “I don’t suppose the gems are at home, are they? Though honestly I wouldn’t expect Lapis back for at least another two weeks... if that,” he muttered.

Like someone dropped in the middle of a minefield, Connie’s mind was careful not to wander too much lest it step on something explosive.

Connie shook her head. “Peridot made me breakfast, so she’s around but I haven’t actually seen anyone. I- I’m sure it’ll be okay, dad. This is, like, something that just happens with them sometimes… right?” she asked, a small quaver in her voice.

Doug sighed. “Yeah, pretty much. Your mom played referee often enough, but they’ve been… Well, an expression I heard a lot when I was young was, ‘Everyone grows older but not everyone grows up,’” and he chuckled bitterly at that before coming back to his point, “The gems are proof against both sometimes. Don’t worry about it, cupc- Connie. It’s neither your responsibility nor your fault.”

 _Shields at 40% and dropping!_ , exclaimed a part of Connie. 

_We keep trying to remodulate the numbness field but that ‘mom’ comment punched right through!_ , reported another.

_Ready for evasive maneuvers on my mark... Mark._

“You said you had something you wanted to talk with me about,” asked Connie. 

If Doug noticed the clumsy transition, he chose not to remark on it.

In fact, Doug suddenly looked very much like how Connie imagined she looked when Peridot caught her doodling in the margins of her notes.

“Um, miss?” called Doug to the Kiki, “One more lemonade! For Connie, please.”

* * *

_Damage report?_ , asked Connie’s inner dialogue.

 _Um… all of it?_ , was the answer.

_Yes, all of it. What’s damaged?!_

_No, I mean all of it IS damaged. About the only thing holding are the shields at 13%, and they’re more citrus than not at this point._

Doug finished his bite of lukewarm pizza. “She’s going to be helping me next month when I move into that apartment down the street from the car wash. How about we all go out to eat together afterwards? A, uh, move and meet and eat and greet?” he quipped.

A panel exploded, sending a uniformed Connie flying backwards. _That’s it!_ , exclaimed the metaphorical Connie sitting in the captain’s seat. _I’m initiating emergency warp protocol. Helmsman, plot us an escape vector._

Connie was silent for a moment. Then she fixed Doug with a firm, if pained, look. “Dad. I’m out of lemonade, literal and metaphorical, and if I don’t leave it might just be my birthday all over again.”

Connie stood up while Doug could only stare at her. “Oh,” she added, “and thanks for the book. Really.”

Calmly Connie grabbed her things and walked out the door, heading in the general direction of the Beach House.

It wasn’t until she remembered she hadn’t been able to bring up the whole “you ALL abandoned Connie” thing that her composure failed her.

_Shields are down! I repeat, shields are down! Coolant leak imminent!_

* * *

Minutes later when Doug was walking out to his car parked behind the Big Donut, he pretended not to notice the small, yellow planes of force one might use to climb up onto the roof.

* * *

_I really need to put more ranks in diplomacy,_ thought a corner of Doug’s mind.

 _This goes beyond a poor roll,_ came the reply. _I think I need to look into finding someone who can cast_ Remove Curse.

_Well this adventure isn’t over yet. I’ve still got the Universe Manor module to complete. I just hope there’s not a boss fight._

* * *

There was a boss fight.

* * *

Several hours later Connie peered over the edge of the roof of the Big Donut. She’d been up there with Lapis a couple times before but she’d never gotten up there through her own means. It turned out to be a pretty good spot for secluded sulking; that went doubly when you had a magical windbreak and triply when there weren’t any gulls nesting in the ducts.

 _Honestly, if I had wings I’d probably do like Lapis more often,_ thought Connie as she used a large, angled field to slide down to the pavement below.

As Connie walked home her thoughts ran in the same circles they’d been running in since she left the pizzeria.

_The gems. Hiddenite. Steven. His house. Mary’s concern. Her offer. What… Peridot-as-Hiddenite had said. This Priyanka lady._

She’d tried to read her much anticipated new book but stopped herself a few paragraphs in; a book of this caliber deserved a proper reading, which she was not in the right mindset to accomplish.

She had breathed in that new book smell a time or two though.

 _It’s all too much. I just want to take a nap for a month and then wake up and start fresh. Can the problems in my life please form an orderly line rather than pile on me all at once?,_ she pleaded inwardly.

As Connie plodded up the stairs to the porch, a mental storm swirling around her head, she received a sequence of texts. Ignoring them for the moment, she opened the door to the Beach House and saw… nothing changed.

Sighing, she tidied herself up and checked the battery of text messages.

_* StUn - 04:14pm | Going 2 arcade_  
_* StUn - 04:14pm | W@nt 2 Com3?_  
_* StUn - 04:15pm | H@\/3 L0t$ 0f Qu@rt3r$ 2 $h@r3_  
_* StUn - 04:16pm | |)@|) !$ +ry!|\|g +0 r3@|) 0\/3r $|-|0u|_|)3r_  
_* StUn - 04:17pm | ! @/\/\ 2 1337 |-|@ |-|@_

Connie squinted at the leetspeak.

 _‘Going to Arcade.’ Clear enough._  
_‘Want to come?’ Sounds better than being left with my thoughts in an empty house, new book or no new book._  
_‘Have lots of quarters to share.’ That’s sweet._  
_‘Dad is trying to read over my shoulder.’ Hehe._  
_‘I am too leet haha.’ That one was tricky,_ she thought after several moments of contemplation.

Connie gathered some things into her backpack, took one last look around the Beach House, certainly not to see if anyone had emerged from the temple (they hadn’t), then headed out. Eschewing the leet theme, she texted Steven back.

_* CoMa - 04:23pm | Sure. See you there._

* * *

_This avoidance thing is pretty nice_ , thought a corner of Connie.

 _Does it count if I’m actively thinking about how I’m not thinking about things?_ , asked another.

 _It does if you’re playing_ Chrono Panic 4 _while you do it,_ was the answer.

_Well, if I’m going to channel my inner Lapis than I say pbbbt! Oh, explosive barrel. Shoot-it-shoot-it-shoot-it!_

* * *

“Your dad came out,” started Steven as they were walking away from the arcade.

“He mentioned he was going to swing by when I saw him at lunch. He got me something cool, by the way,” said Connie shifting the subject.

“Okay, but like, dad met him at the door but mom had this look when she shook his hand and then during the tour-”

“Steven! Dad, later. Awesome book, now,” interrupted Connie as she held up _The Cursed Scion_.

“What? Whoooaaa!”

* * *

It had been a fun evening. The pair had retired to Steven’s house and taken turns reading the new book out loud. They played some video games. They used Steven’s figurines to put on an impromptu theater production; they both agreed Sanic’s performance had been stirring. 

There were a few text messages from Doug but they weren’t urgent so Connie put them off until later.

Connie had a nice dinner with Steven’s family. When Mary politely inquired if she should bring out the air mattress, Connie started to balk…

...then thought about an empty home, homework she _ought_ to do, books she _ought_ to read…

...and she accepted. Steven jumped in with an exclamation of “Slumber Party!”

She had packed her toiletries, pajamas, and an extra change of clothes in her backpack, after all.

_Which was kinda odd when I think abou-_

_Yeah, but I’m not! Ooh, Greg made cobbler!_

* * *

Connie had been coming home once a day to gather some new clothes and leave a new note to Peridot on the counter. It was several such days later when she noticed something, well several somethings, reflecting in the recycling bin.

Putting down the board game she’d been considering taking back to Steven’s with her, she walked over and saw... balled up foil wrappers. And sheets of printed instructions for meals now uneaten and discarded.

Lots of them.

Connie staggered, leaning against the counter for balance.

 _Raising shields! Emotional dampeners coming online,_ said the Connie dressed in an ensign’s uniform.

In the corner of the view screen, the contents of the recycling bin were still visible.

 _Belay that order,_ barked the Connie sitting in the captain’s seat. _Give me communications instead._

Connie, a breath shuddering in her chest, pulled out her phone. She poured herself a drink from the fridge as she texted Steven to say that she was going to stay home tonight.

Connie took her glass over to the couch and got situated for the wait until dinner. She took a sip and began responding to her dad’s texts.

He’d been right; the lemonade really did help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BR42 wants to point out that they ~~stole from~~ were inspired by CoreyWW's fic [I Want To Understand](http://archiveofourown.org/works/5008579/chapters/11509870) when they wrote the "impossible to have a breakdown while drinking lemonade" bit.
> 
> This was originally going to be the prologue to this episode and released alongside the first half of the teased "Peridot doing secret stuff" adventure. However, it turns out two of the three of us on the Connie Swap Team have birthdays in this span and the disruption was so much that it was clear we weren't going to be able to deliver the full "prologue + chapter w/art" content at the quality we wanted. We opted instead to beef up the prologue into its own (smallish) chapter with its own piece of art. As soon as MJStudioArts showed us the doodle for the art, we knew we'd made the right choice!
> 
> Stay tuned next week for the resumption of _Assistant Connie_ , this time with actual Peridot dialogue.
> 
> Two very timely chapters have been added to the [Omake Collection](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/23628408), both in response to _Universal Appeal_. That seems to be the theme for this week's content, doesn't it? Go and check them out because they're really good and, in conjunction with this chapter, afford you a 360 degree view of the New Year's fallout:  
>  *) [Happy New Year](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/24396603) by [SilverScribe](http://archiveofourown.org/users/SilverScribe/pseuds/SilverScribe) \- "The new year brings new challenges for some and old challenges for others. Or, the immediate aftermath of the Crystal Gems crashing of Steven's New Year's Eve party."
> 
> *) [Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/24475980) by [CoreyWW](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW) \- "Greg can tell that Mary is troubled by the events of New Year's Eve."
> 
> A big, big thank you to both SilverScribe and CoreyWW for their excellent additions to the collection.
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	2. Lower Education

Connie had come back. Or stopped leaving. Either way, she was no longer Steven’s extended house guest.

The first evening back, Peridot had emerged from her room muttering and distracted by the nest of holograms she was manipulating. She’d jumped a full three feet in the air when Connie had set her homework aside and gotten up from the couch to hug the gem.

It was a long hug. Connie swore she’d heard a component crack while she squeezed the gem and one of Peridot’s limb enhancers was digging into her shoulder blade throughout.

Neither complained. Both cried.

They had prepared and eaten dinner together and for a little while it’d felt like everything was back to normal.

They’d managed to make it through one and a half episodes of _Under The Knife_ before Peridot lost her patience and began to enumerate the many behavioral, medicinal, and physiological discrepancies on display within the medical drama.

Just like normal.

Connie had slept a little better that night.

However, whatever Connie’s reappearance had displaced soon returned to center stage for the Green gem. Lessons, when there were lessons, were lacking in their usual level engagement. Meals were a distracted affair and Connie’s drills were largely set aside. It was all, in a word, perfunctory.

Connie saw the back of Jasper one morning as the large gem walked into her room within the temple. She must have missed the gem’s departure; when Connie asked hours later, Peridot checked the warp logs which indicated Jasper was likely patrolling the honeysuckle battlefield.

Of Lapis there was no sign.

The last curiosity of this diminished new status quo was Peridot’s nighttime excursions. Generally around midnight, the gem and the entirety of her collection of cobbled together robonoids would march onto the warp pad and vanish. The whole group would usually return around five or six in the morning. From the tenor of her hushed mutterings, Peridot never came back particularly pleased. 

She was alternately dismissive and evasive when Connie brought it up.

* * *

“Book, please define and elaborate on ‘Lemuria’,” said Connie in a hushed voice, sitting on her bed and hunched over her gem-embedded tome. A tiny book light was clipped to the immense artifact, looking almost comical in contrast. She had taken to putting a cushion in place so the large crack in the oblong pearl didn’t scrape the skin of her leg.

Connie paused a moment then flipped the page.

> _Lemuria (a.k.a. Mu, Rutas, Atlantis)_  
>  _The name for the former surface region of a continental shelf that was shifted entirely below sea level. This occurred during a series of prolonged engagements between loyalists and rebels._
> 
> _See also: Lapis Lazuli (Rebellion), Sea Shrine Campus, Mass Losses_

  


Connie started to speak but only a strangled noise came out, as though a dozen questions tried to leap from her mouth all at once.

There was a pause and then the girl shook her head. “Book… please tell me a story.”

Connie flipped the page.

> _The fiasco at the balladeers’ ball left the taste of ashes and regret on the hero’s tongue. Her lone companion and she departed on yet another quest, as was their way. The hero found her limbs weary and her heart wearier, the turmoil of others finding purchase within, sapping her focus and weakening her resolve._
> 
> _And so it was, late into the night, that the companion did try to divert the hero to happier times. Battles won. Innocents saved. Machinations thwarted. The companion labored under their geas and so could not speak freely, but even so inhibited they did their best to impart what comforts they could._
> 
> _As the hero succumbed to her exhaustion and found such succor as there was to be had in sleep, the companion resumed her vigil. Hope shown within them. Hope that, in time, the pair could truly meet with none of their present filters; hope that, in time, the companion could suggest quests of their own to the hero; hope that, in time, the means would be found to subvert or break the geas._

Connie was about to turn the page when she heard the temple door open. In an act honed by years of repetition, Connie quickly yet quietly turned off the light and flopped back into her bed, pulling the covers up to her shoulders while allowing the book to lay on the edge of her mattress.

“Silence, Claptrap!” hissed Peridot. “If you wake Connie I'll use your parts to rebuild Johnny.”

The sound of rolling followed by the pitter patter of little gravity connectors marked the passage of the robonoids from Peridot’s room to the warp pad. Connie listened to the rhythmic ‘thunk’ of limb enhancers crossing the floor, then the chime of someone warping.

Connie lay there feigning sleep a moment longer before rising in a hurry.

 _Nope! No. No. A thousand times, no! I will not let another day of this year go by with me in some kind of awkwardness limbo! If this late night secret of Peridot’s means I don’t have even one family member then I will, uh… well, I don’t actually know what I’ll do but by Lisa I’ll do it!_ , exclaimed Connie loudly in her head.

Grabbing the flashlight from her bedside, Connie opened up her backpack and did one last inventory of what she’d packed earlier that evening, grabbing the item on which all of this hinged. With that she shouldered her pack, stepped quickly down the stairs, and hurried over to the warp pad.

Connie looked at the warp whistle in her hands, biting her lip and frowning as she stood on the precipice of action, her resolve momentarily stalled.

Peridot had given the item over to Connie and Steven back when they were left alone for most of a day. The pair had avoided the winter weather outside by telling stories near the fire while each of the gems were off on assorted Crystal Gem business.

 _I still find it odd that Peridot didn’t take this back after she got back that evening_ , she mused.

 _Then again, she had been pretty distracted at the time by… what was going on with her and Lapis_ , she thought with a pang of remorse. _I- I guess she’s been too swept up in things to really notice this missing._

Connie raised the gem device to her lips, about to blow into it, when she noticed the cold seeping into the pads of her feet and realized… she was still barefoot and in her pajamas.

The girl sighed. _Speaking of which…_

* * *

Mid-warp Connie tried her best not to float but somehow she wound up about two feet off the ground and tilted steeply forward, arms pinwheeling as she sought to reverse her drift. When gravity suddenly returned Connie landed in a heap atop the hard surface of the warp pad, her face buried in her hair and her flashlight popping out of her grasp. 

She did maintain her grip on the warp whistle, at least.

Sputtering, Connie shoved the hair out of her face ( _Note to self: adventure = pony tail; pack a scrunchy, Maheswaran!_ ) and groped around until she found her flashlight. Scrambling to her feet and switching it on, Connie saw…

...a canyon? A _desolate_ canyon that made her skin crawl. A desolate canyon covered in rows upon rows of holes, kind of like-

“The Kindergarten...” she whispered in sudden recognition.

The girl shivered and not just from her unnerving surroundings, her breath fogging in front of her. She put the warp whistle back in her pack and withdrew a pair of earmuffs and a scarf she’d brought in case Peridot’s destination was, like the Beach House, also shrouded in winter.

The warp pad was on a ledge with no obvious way down unless one could fly or drop three stories without injury. As Connie was neither, she used a quintet of force fields to slide and hop down to the barren ground below.

With five extant fields, Connie was in no state to wander _anywhere_ in dark and menacing surroundings such as these, her thoughts sluggish and her senses dull. Instead, she sat down cross-legged, closed her eyes, and tried to clear her mind, hoping to expedite her fields’ vanishing.

Connie sat there doing her best impression of someone meditating for several minutes… though sneaking the occasional peek to confirm what she knew instinctively: yes, the fields were all still there. Grumbling internally, Connie’s concentration slipped and her mind wandered...

* * *

Steven was lying on his stomach, chewing on the eraser of his pencil and staring at the character sheet in front of him. Connie was sitting up against the wall flipping through the _Lutes and Loot_ Player Handbook, Steven’s feet draped across her lap.

“‘ _By Adventuring Guild regulations there must be a bard present in every party to record in song all possible heroic events_ ,’” read Connie. “Why not play a bard, then?”

Steven frowned slightly and fiddled unnecessarily with a hearing aid. “Peedee and Jeff said the same thing. I think everyone kind of expects it, actually. I mean, bards are neat and all but… Naw, you’re probably right,” he said, somewhat subdued.

Connie frowned at the curly expanse of the back of Steven’s head. “If you don’t play one, Peedee will just have a non-player character follow the adventuring party instead, right?”

“Yeah, though the NPC won’t be allowed to help us or anything,” answered Steven as he set his pencil down and twisted around to face her. “Why, do you think I should play something else instead?”

“I think you should play what you want to play. That’s kinda the point of this sort of game, isn’t it?” asked Connie.

Steven flipped over onto his back, elbows propping him up so he could look his friend in the face. “I’m not really good at being, idunno, decisive I guess.” He gave Connie a weak smile. “That’s part of why I have, like, twenty of the same shirt in my closet. I-” and he let himself flop down so he was staring at his ceiling, “I should probably just do what people expect and play a bard. Can you read me the options off the instrument table?”

* * *

...and seconds later she found her thoughts clearer, if a little troubled at the memory.

Blinking, Connie looked around and found all her fields had vanished. Shaking her head, the girl got to her feet and shone her light over the surrounding dry and lifeless ground. There were no footprints, which surprised Connie given how heavy and distinctive the imprint of Peridot’s limb enhancers should have been. 

Then, at the edge of her circle of light, she saw lines in the dirt; the sort of tracks you’d get if you had a number of small objects rolling and hopping along a dusty canyon floor.

* * *

“No! No-no-no! Left! Your left! Doris, go meet Robinson; he’s lost,” shouted Peridot into the display before adding in an exasperated voice, “Again.”

The technician was hovering in the air several feet off the ground, a limb enhancer raised overhead, floating fingers whirring like helicopter blades. Her other limb enhancer was projecting ten holographic displays in front of her, each showing ten different views, all of them very low to the ground.

“Wally! That’s trash, leave it alone. And Gort, why are you just standing still like that? Ugh! What’s that stupid recall phrase for you, again… Necktie? Nectar?” Peridot shoved the holograms aside and shouted down into the large, square hole in the ground nearby, “Nickel! Noodle! Graaah, forget it!”

Connie watched from around a corner, her flashlight turned off to better hide, as Peridot continued her robonoid wrangling from on high. 

One of the display feeds went blank. “Daneel, Johnny is fritzing again. Go haul him back. Yes, I know it’s a hazardous climb. Second Law says hop to it! Galatea, stop following Will around. Oh, he’s over by Robinson. Wait?! No, that’s an exposed power conduit; get away from there! Will! Robinson! That’s dangerous!”

There was a brief flare of light from deep within the hole and then three more feeds went black.

As Peridot vented her frustration into the air, shouting phrases she _never_ used inside the Beach House, Connie crept closer to a nearby boulder hoping to get a better look.

A rock shifting underfoot caused her to stumble, evidently giving her position away.

The holographic displays vanished as the limb enhancer swiveled to point in Connie’s direction, the fingers reorienting into their blaster formation.

“Who’s there?!” Peridot shouted, a built-in flashlight flicking on, deepening the shadows Connie was hiding within. “If you are a human, this locale is very hazardous to your biological processes; come into view and I will assist in relocating you a safe distance away. If you are a gem beast, step out so I can fire concentrated plasma at you!”

Tying her white sun visor (in case the warp pad had taken her someplace hot and sunny) to her flashlight, she waved the ad hoc flag of surrender around the edge of the boulder. Then she called over as she stepped into view, “Uh, is there a third option, ma’am?”

“Connie?! Empty Sky! What are you doing here? And how?” demanded the gem.

The gem looked around nervously and added, “Did Jasper bring you here? Where is she?”

In the shaky voice of a child explaining why exactly the bathtub overflowed, Connie said, “I used the warp whistle to follow you here, ma’am. I, uh, I haven’t seen Jasper in a couple days.”

 _No. I came here for answers_ , thought Connie, shaking her head slightly and trying to stand a little straighter as she found some reserves of indignation to draw from.

“I came here to find out what you’ve been doing each night. To find out why you’re so distracted at home,” challenged Connie, nearly forgetting to add her customary, “ma’am.”

Peridot looked like she was about to scold Connie when she paused, a floating finger rising up and tapping her chin. “I see. Connie, would you be willing to… accompany me on my business here?” she asked, adding quickly, “For mutual protection and ease of communication, of course.” She then coughed into her fist-equivalent and she glanced down at Connie’s gemstone for a split second.

“Suuure?” answered Connie, feeling like she was missing something.

Peridot smiled at the girl in relief, then landed gingerly. “Before I explain my activities, I must ask your confidence in this matter. This is a, erm, long-term project of mine and I wish to present it to the others only after the results have... matured.”

Peridot started to pace, speaking her thoughts aloud. “ However… Yes, yes. You could be a great asset for what I’m doing. And with us both laboring in tandem, I won’t need to constrain my activities to the brief window of your nightly recuperation cycle,” she elaborated, then shot Connie a matronly glare and added, “But don’t think I’ve overlooked the disruption you’re likely causing to your circadian rhythm with this excursion, young lady.”

“So, we could spend time together? Doing important Crystal Gem stuff?” asked Connie, eyes widening with excitement.

“Yes, precisely. You could be my assistant. My _discreet_ assistant,” said Peridot, fixing her with a significant look.

“Yes! Of course!” cried Connie, pumping her fists in the air.

Peridot gave a broad smile that reached her eyes. “Excellent. I’ll explain the high level details as we go and reserve a fuller briefing for after you’ve completed your needed dormancy period. Anyway, the first order of business, assistant,” she said with particular relish which Connie smiled at, “is to retrieve my ersatz robonoids from below and convey them to my lab. A number are… not wholly functional at the moment.”

“Johnny?” asked Connie.

“Among others,” then Peridot sighed, “but yes, Johnny.”

“What number is he up to now? Five? Six?”

“Thirty-three. These excursions have been an exercise in patience, to say the least.”

* * *

The temple door was open, revealing Peridot’s room. Working in duos and trios, the robonoids were hauling supplies out and piling them up beside the warp pad. 

Well, that was the intention anyway. In reality Wally kept wandering off to tidy the Beach House while Johnny #34 was bumping into the bathroom door repeatedly due to some faulty component or another.

Daneel would divert course each time to run a scan of Connie’s vital signs, with Galatea following along behind him. 

Toasty, whose chassis was in fact a repurposed toaster, had snuck off the moment it became clear Connie was having breakfast, and was even now attempting to foist yet another set of toasted bread products on the girl from down by her ankles.

Doris, the robonoid whose chassis was a hollowed-out bowling ball and who had a little sensor suite in a gyroscopically stable position atop her head that looked to Connie decidedly bowler hat-shaped, did her best to keep the others in line but was ultimately overwhelmed by the nine’s eccentricities.

Peridot paid none of them any attention as she used her green tractor beam to position the visual aids for her presentation.

“As you are aware,” said Peridot using a laser pointer to draw Connie’s attention to her first slide, “the Kindergartens caused extensive environmental damage to the surrounding ecosystems during their operation. It has been over five thousand solar rotations since either were active and yet my surveys of the areas have confirmed that there is no statistically significant amount of terrestrial life inhabiting them.”

Peridot shifted to the next slide, brandishing her laser pointer like a pedagogical weapon. “My aspiration is finding the means to reverse this sterility and allow some of the wounds Homeworld inflicted on the Earth to mend. It…” and she looked suddenly vulnerable as she fidgeted with the pointer, “It would be both a victory for the Crystal Gems as well as an, erm, unique way for my skillset to serve the cause.”

“That’s very noble, Peridot,” said Connie prompting the gem to preen. “I’m a Crystal Gem too, and I’d really like to assist but… am I actually competent enough to help?”

There was a crash as the pile of materials shifted, burying the chrome-covered Gort while Claptrap hurtled forward and crashed into a wall, a loose bag covering its single, blue optical sensor.

“I can say with confidence, my esteemed pupil,” Peridot said while studiously _not_ looking at the chaos behind her, “that you’ll only improve the quality of my assistance on this task.”

* * *

Over the next five days Peridot, Connie, and the gaggle of roboboids returned time and again to the Prime Kindergarten.

Soil samples were taken. Data was downloaded from the Kindergarten control room. Standing water was collected for analysis. Readings were taken from particle analyzers, geiger counters, a tricorder device that Peridot swore was the inspiration for the Star Trek gizmo instead of vice versa, and several other doodads that Connie couldn’t even pronounce, much less comprehend.

Connie, Will, Robinson, and Johnny ~~#35~~ ~~#36~~ ~~#37~~ #38 fanned out across the barren expanse of the canyon placing tiny sensor pods of Peridot’s manufacture in a broad, hexagonal pattern. The hope, Peridot explained, was to provide real-time data “from a statistically significant portion of the Kindergarten surface” so that they could tell if their attempts proved fruitful.

From Peridot’s room, Connie and Peridot (and some of the more reliable robonoids) performed tests. Fast-growing plants were seeded in plots, with normal soil used for the control group and escalating concentrations of Kindergarten soil used for the test groups. Air and water collected from the site was compared to uncontaminated samples. Connie found herself squinting into microscopes (optical, electron, and acoustic) and ferrying reams of printouts from the mass spectrometer over to Peridot’s increasingly cluttered work desk.

* * *

Roland Peggio, journeyman bard, was slowly taking shape as Steven and Connie worked their way through the character creation process.

“Okay, nearly done,” said Connie as she turned to the next page. “Um, backstory. What has brought Roland to the cusp of this adventure?”

Steven had been fairly subdued thus far but his voice steadily regained its usual enthusiasm as he spoke. “Roland is the son of lady Marziale and Gustoso Peggio, both retired bards themselves. Gustoso had been a member of the tight-knit Peggio clan but he’d struck out for himself, enduring the rigors of the trail to follow his passion for music, always sharing it with others when possible. During a venture to the South Lands, the talented and headstrong Marziale Provvisando snuck away in Gustoso’s wagon, charmed by his song and tired of the conflict that raged within her own family. Bound together by an unending love of song and one another, the two ranged far and wide, enduring much and succeeding despite it all.”

“That’s all really good, Steven! Lots of deep character insights. Now, what about Roland?” asked Connie as she held Steven’s (slightly chewed on) pencil, poised to take more notes.

“Huh? Oh, well, his parents were bards so he is too,” answered Steven matter-of-factly.

Connie set the notes and pencil carefully aside, then looked at her friend. “Steven… you know you don’t have to be just like your parents, right?”

Steven signed as he spoke, a tick of his when he was grappling difficult words or emotions. “I know that. They’ll love me no matter what I do. But… I mean, they’re both these amazing, passionate people. They left everything they had behind to make exactly the life together that they wanted. It’s not that I don’t want to be like them, it’s that…”

He drifted off into silence for a time. When the quiet had almost grown unbearable, he finished his thought. “It’s that I’m not talented enough to follow in their footsteps. And… and I have no idea what else I would even do with myself.”

The weight of Steven’s statement filled the room. The only noises were the creak of the bed as Steven got to his feet and the omnipresent strains of music drifting into the boy’s room from the floor below.

“The fantasy part is that Roland’s actually a good musician,” said the boy at the door. He gave Connie another in a succession of weak smiles. “Anyway, I’m sorry for being such a bummer. I’m going to go get some snacks. After that, how about we mix it up and read some more of your _Cursed Scion_ book?”

* * *

The Prime Kindergarten control room was a mess. There was something Peridot had said they needed repaired to get something working that Connie only half-followed the meaning of, but her force fields were the scaffolding and retaining walls used to afford the gem and her robonoids room to work, which made Connie puff up with pride all the same.

Peridot had recently called a break so she could make some running repairs on the robonoids. Connie took that time to let her thoughts drift and her fields to fade away.

 _She’s working so hard_ , observed Connie. _Wait a second? Brain, are you trying to tell me something with this Steven thought? She’s trying to impress Jasper and Lapis, that much is clear. And Jasper and Lapis are way older and they’re both uh, more imposing in their own ways and they fought in the war. But… can you still be insecure and figuring things out when you’re hundreds of years old?_

Peridot was bent over Robinson’s open chassis, sparks flaring up from her fingertips every now and again as she worked. Over the sound of electrical discharges, Connie could hear Peridot absently humming the chorus of _Bei Mir Bist Du Schön_.

 _Well, I guess that answers that question_ , thought Connie with a mental sigh.

Connie looked around, quite unnecessarily confirming that she and Peridot were the only non-robonoids present. She drummed her fingers on the green metal floor of the control room for a moment before speaking up. “Peridot,” asked Connie, “there’s a kinda silly thing I’ve been wondering about.”

Peridot looked up from her work, her floating fingers shifting from arc welder-mode to their default configuration, her visor going from welding-goggle dark to transparent once more. “Oh?”

“Yeah, but it’s about Hiddenite. Is that too touchy a subject to discuss?” asked Connie, trying to hide her nervousness.

“No… Well, yes, but it shouldn’t be. Besides, after what happened in your immediate vicinity some weeks prior, I think you have a right to ask questions,” she said, setting Robinson’s chassis aside and adding, “I’ll let you know if I feel too uncomfortable with your inquiries.”

Connie nodded. “When you and Lapis fused into Hiddenite, where did your limb enhancers go? She was wearing some of the clothes you two were wearing, only bigger, but some of the clothes vanished too. How does all of that work?”

Peridot gestured as she spoke, an activity Connie was very familiar with from a lifetime of educational lectures. “My observations are as such: fusion is a phenomenon that behaves differently based on the participants. When the hard light projections that were our bodies fused, Lapis’ gem and mine created a new, larger body, the details of which were based on a vast array of variables, many of them idiosyncratic in nature.” 

Peridot paused for a moment to think, then continued. “I’ve never tested this experimentally, but my assumption is that such material adornments as can be made to fit the new body type will be altered if necessary by a specialized form of shapeshifting. Everything else will be shapeshifted into the body itself through a similar process… except when the physical items are simply dropped.”

“I… have never been particularly impartial when it came to fusion, so this is mostly conjecture, I’m afraid,” she said looking a little chagrined, “but to address your original inquiry, my limb enhancers were deemed, for whatever reason, to not be a part of Hiddenite’s form and were thus shifted into part of her mass. They were returned to me in their original condition and positions at the time of, uh, fission.”

There was a beat and then Peridot added, “Is there anything else you would like to know?”

Connie rubbed the back of her head, thinking back on the event before asking, “Why did Hiddenite talk in the third person?”

Peridot looked a little embarrassed but answered. “Oh. Well, when Lapis and I are… close, it gets hard to focus on anything save the two of us. Hiddenite enjoys being noticed and… appreciates the validation that comes from others focusing on her as well. The propensity for illeism is her trying to draw and keep people’s attention.”

Trying to keep the mood light, Connie was quick to add, “She was really cool, especially early on. The musical performance she gave… Do you or Lapis even know how to play cello?”

Peridot chuckled a little. “Yeah, she is literally made for quite the spectacle. Hiddenite is always the most… herself at first. Certainly the most fun. And to answer your question, my understanding of operating that particular instrument is strictly academic in nature: acoustics and harmonics and such. Lapis has done a great many things during her considerable time on Earth, but I would be surprised to find she had practiced that instrument to proficiency.” She tapped her chin in thought then said, “Certain gems have an intuitive understanding of certain concepts, such as Peridots and our grasp of the physical sciences. I suspect Hiddenite knows how to…”

“Put on a show?” hazarded Connie.

“Do what will get her the most attention in the moment,” corrected Peridot. “She isn’t a performer per se, but rather a very capable narcissist.”

Peridot was slow to speak again, her voice hesitant and laden with remorse. “I am sorry the Gregorian increment celebration was so disrupted. Mixing Jasper and Hiddenite in the same gathering makes for a particularly volatile situation. It wasn’t planned, Hiddenite never is, it just felt so…”

Peridot’s voice died out and she stared into the middle distance for a time. Then she gave a sniff and wiped under her visor, turning away from Connie. “Apologies but I think I should refrain from further discussion of this topic. I... don’t trust myself to be suitably dispassionate.”

Unseen by Peridot, Connie’s mouth opened and shut a few times, the girl seemingly unsure whether speech or silence was the better response.

Peridot turned back to the robonoid and resumed her work. Connie took this as the polite dismissal it was and tried to unobtrusively busy herself as well.

* * *

It was the day after Connie had upset Peridot asking about Hiddenite. They’d made decent progress on repairing some of the damage that age and, according to Peridot, ‘extremely clumsy if effective’ sabotage had wrought on the control room.

 _Honestly, it looks like someone took a sword or something and slashed every third conduit_ , thought Connie as Peridot explained to her the contents of several trashed panels. _Though I’m sure it was more thought-out than that._

However, a recent discovery had left Peridot particularly pleased: a bunch of comparatively new hardware was found in an out-of-the-way spot that routed past most of the older damage. As Peridot had informed Connie, at length, several times now, if they were able to restore the proper controls then ‘we might be able to forgo some of our simpler, brute-force solutions in exchange for more elegant ones.’

Peridot was smiling like a new season of Camp Pining Hearts had been announced.

Peridot was, right at that moment in fact, belting out the extended version of the Camp Pining Hearts theme song.

 _She’s singing. Singing! If I can’t muster the courage to ask a single prickly question under_ these _circumstances then there’s no hope for me_ , a corner of Connie chided.

 _True, however it’s important to remember-_ , but the internal rebuttal was cut off by Peridot’s overly optimistic attempt at hitting a sustained high note.

The robonoids had gotten in on the act and were piping along as Peridot’s tinny backup singers.

_Objection withdrawn! Now hurry before they reach the chorus!_

“Ma’am, if you have a moment, I wanted to ask you about this mural I saw during the mission Jasper and I took to the Pyramid Temple,” shouted Connie so she’d be heard over the production.

Peridot was standing on one of Connie’s fields about ten feet up, helping Will and Johnny replace a ruined section of power conduit within the wall. “ _~This is where it starts: Camp Pining~_ Huh? Oh, one moment, dear. Okay, so if Galatea routed this correctly then-”

With a flash and a bang, Johnny was thrown free of the field, bowling into Daneel and Toasty across the control room. This left Doris running in frustrated circles while the ever impassive Gort (still chirping the bass part) looked at the smoking wreckage of the soon to be Johnny #42.

The musical number ground to an uneven but eventual halt after that.

Peridot helicoptered down to the floor, her free hand pinching the bridge of her nose. “You know what? Not even this blunder can get me down. Someone extinguish Johnny then everyone take five.”

After Robinson and Claptrap doused Johnny in flame retardant foam all the robonoids went still, having entered sleep mode. 

“I’m sorry, a mural you said? Do you have a photograph or- oh, very good,” she said as Connie waggled her phone at her.

Walking over, Peridot peered at the photo showing Citrine and the unknown, pink gem doing _something_ in a Kindergarten to the apparent dismay of a number of purple gems, all while fending off a blue gem with a whip.

“This is a curiously crude depiction of the disabling of the Prime Kindergarten early in the Rebellion. It was a crucial victory in the war because it cut off the flow of local reinforcements for Homeworld, until the creation of the Beta Kindergarten that is, while also stopping the very ecological damage we’re working to reverse,” explained Peridot.

“And the Beta Kindergarten is Jasper’s, right?” asked the girl.

“Precisely. Were it not for the depicted act of sabotage, Jasper might never have been formed in the first place. Oh sure, they’d have eventually made another Kindergarten for further Quartz production, but the, uh, curious circumstances that gave rise to our Jasper would have been extremely unlikely to be recreated. If this is from your mission in late November, why are you only bringing it up now?”

Connie looked a little sheepish as she answered. “I tried to ask Jasper about the gem who was protecting mom but she didn’t take it particularly well, calling her a, uh, ‘filthy traitor’ and then getting too angry to elaborate,” she said, her voice meek as she relived the memory. “A-Anyway, I thought it might set Lapis off too and you two seemed happy and I didn’t want to…” Connie trailed off leaving the rest unsaid.

Peridot sighed. “You didn’t want to upset our relationship. Not that it was going to last too much longer regardless.” 

The gem shook her head, then gave Connie a grateful look, patting her on the shoulder. “That’s very thoughtful of you, Connie, though not exactly how the child-caregiver dynamic is supposed to operate. Setting that matter aside for the moment, the gem in question is Rose Quartz and your instincts are well-founded: I would strongly recommend you not allude to her around Jasper or… or Lapis,” she said, her voice stumbling at the mention of the Blue gem’s name.

After a moment of quiet, Peridot resumed speaking. “Gemetically speaking, Citrines and Rose Quartzes were part of a bold new design for gems. They were extremely expensive to produce but combined the physical prowess of a Quartz while possessing a range of powers that were both varied and quite potent.” 

Peridot held her limb enhancers wide, gesturing with one. “For example’s sake, you can consider Lapis on one end of the continuum, being all power and very little in the way of physical presence, aesthetic considerations aside,” she said, distracted momentarily before gesturing with the other hand. “Jasper, meanwhile, towers at the opposite end, being all physical power with little beside the standard Quartz power suite.” 

“Citrines and Rose Quartzes, however, were intended to be the best of both,” the Green gem said, speaking almost reverently.

Dropping her limbs back to her sides, she crouched to Connie’s level, looking a little sad. “Those are the general facts that I can say with confidence, being a Certified Kindergartner. My information about the Rebellion is second-hand and Rose Quartz wasn’t someone anyone, your mother included, much cared to discuss. What I can tell you is that she was a principal member of the Rebellion early on and considered quite, uh, influential. Somewhere along the way Rose Quartz attempted to split from the Rebellion, taking a number of gems with her. The division nearly handed Homeworld the war, or so I’m told. And by the end of it all, Rose Quartz was serving the Diamonds like all the other loyalists.”

Connie sat in silence, digesting this new information, before turning to look at Peridot. “She was a double-agent, then?”

Peridot shrugged. “Perhaps. A lot of confusing things are purported to have happened during that time. What I can tell you is that Rose Quartz, **The** Rose Quartz, was still serving the will of the Diamonds when I was a member of Homeworld society. And in that service, she was _feared_ ,” her voice having dropped to a whisper, “perhaps second only to the Diamonds themselves.”

The two shared a moment of quiet before Peridot drew herself back to her feet. “Enough talk of unpleasant Quartzes. I believe our-” but she cut herself off as a small avalanche of rocks poured into the control room from the angled shaft above.

“Connie! Get back and shield yourself,” barked Peridot as her limbs reconfigured into blasters, “Something is descending into the- JASPER?!”

The large gem herself slid into view, an air of carefully controlled violence surrounding her. 

“Peridot? Connie?!” she exclaimed, visibly surprised for a moment before fixing Peridot with a hard stare. “What’s going on?”

Connie stepped out from behind the vertical field she’d summoned and waved. “Hi Jasper. I think this is all supposed to be a surprise. But, uh, don’t worry; Peridot is letting me help her. We’re a team and we’re doing science!” answered the girl, excited to see the wayward warrior.

Peridot, meanwhile, was looking like she wanted to open up a floor panel, crawl inside, and hope no one noticed.

Jasper shook her head, her mane swaying in response. “You don’t understand. Whatever this is, it needs to stop. Now. Peridot isn’t allowed down here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lyrics for the Camp Pining Hearts theme song came from [this source](https://musescore.com/user/6102361/scores/1899671); credit to BlazingDarkness for both the lyrics and the composition. Someone ran the sheet music through a MIDI player, which can be [heard here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfzmB_P6eyk) (enable Closed Captions to see the lyrics along with the tune).
> 
> The complete roster of Peridot's robonoids is:  
> *) Doris  
> *) Johnny #[ _current number here_ ]  
> *) Will  
> *) Robinson  
> *) Wally  
> *) Galatea  
> *) Gort  
> *) Claptrap  
> *) Daneel  
> *) Toasty
> 
> Come by next week for the exciting conclusion of _Assistant Connie_.
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!


	3. Mad Science

Connie looked at Jasper uncomprehendingly then turned to Peridot for an explanation. Under her ward’s expectant look Peridot straightened slightly, cleared her throat, and turned to address Jasper.

“A-Actually, Jasper. The, erm, explicit strictures imposed on me as part of my probation were, and I quote, ‘Peridot is not to set foot within either Kindergarten without being accompanied by Citrine.’”

Jasper met this explanation impassively.

Like a motor that would only begrudgingly turn over, Peridot stuttered her way to speaking once more. “S-So, uh, that is, erm, y-yes, I, ahem… I was hovering above the Prime Kindergarten during each of my visits, not setting down at all; all of the actual work was being done, poorly, by my robonoids. It was only when Connie followed me here unprompted and agreed explicitly to accompany me that I touched down. And Citrine is as present as, uh, as she’s capable of being with Connie being both the bearer of her gemstone and her closest proxy so, in conclusion, I have not technically violated my parole in so doing.” 

Peridot ended with a very weak smile in Jasper’s direction.

The silence pooled around them like tar, thick and deep.

The Green gem raised a floating finger and was about to add more when Jasper interrupted. “Just stop. You broke the terms and you know it. Grab your stuff,” and with that the warrior started towards the pair up on the control platform.

Peridot jumped as if bitten, retreating to a wall and putting her body between Jasper and the limb enhancers she had behind her back. “WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?!” she screeched, her voice trembling.

Jasper huffed loudly and rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to break your limb enhancers. I’m just going to smash some stuff up here, then cave-in the chamber after you and Connie are out.”

Connie, who had been looking like a spectator for the world’s most appalling tennis match, could hold her silence no longer. “Break her- Cave-in the- What?! WHAT?! Jasper, this is nuts! You will tell me the whole story behind,” and Connie, gobsmacked, gestured broadly as though to encompass the whole sordid scene, “all of this before taking even one more step!”

Jasper’s eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed as she gave Connie a calculating stare, her gaze drifting down to Connie’s gemstone once or twice.

“Fine,” retorted the Orange gem, her arms folding in front of her. “A little over five hundred years ago, this corrupted Beryl smashed an old gem building into rubble. Lapis lost it, poofed the Beryl with about an inland sea’s-worth of overkill, then flew off.”

“Several months later and she returns, saying how if she didn’t see it all one last time she was going to do something irreversible to the Gulf Stream or something. Turns out she meant visiting a Homeworld-controlled system! And if that weren’t risky enough, she comes in with a pile of limb enhancers and that,” and Jasper pointed squarely at Peridot’s gemstone, the technician jumping at the sudden attention, “in a pair of bub-”

Connie, arms crossed, eyes shining with righteous indignation, cut in. “Jasper, I know how Peridot got to Earth. Get to the part where you think _smashing Peridot’s work is at all justified_.”

“Connie, this whole planet is covered in Gemtech no one knows how to use save her,” the large gem said, gesturing once more to Peridot. “She could have restarted the Kindergartens, sent a broadcast to the Diamonds, and doomed the Earth in the span of a weekend if she’d slipped off the leash,” growled Jasper.

“But Peridot wouldn’t-” started Connie but a sobbing voice behind her cut her off.

“But I did, though,” said Peridot, audibly pained, moisture pooling in the bottom of her visor. “Or attempted to. The, uh, broadcast and doom parts; I was only using the Kindergarten, this very room, in fact, as a convenient place to avoid detection.”

Connie staggered, flopping down on a hastily summoned force field just in time to avoid falling over completely.

Peridot continued. “I was and am only a probationary member of the Crystal Gems. I never fought a war for Earth’s liberation, nor toiled for millennia to clean the aftermath. Connie, they were right to be suspicious. I… I was confused back then. I still had a lot of misplaced loyalty to Homeworld and to-”

There was a moment of silence. Then Peridot spoke in a whisper so quiet Connie had to strain to hear it. “And to _my Diamond_.”

She choked back a sob, then pressed on. “So I bided my time, constructed a one-use disruptor, poofed Jasper,” and Connie could only exclaim in disbelief at that. Undeterred, Peridot powered through her confession, “and made good my escape. I was intent on contacting my- Yellow Diamond to… educate her on the merits of an Earth managed well and sustainably.”

Connie’s mouth had been opening and closing wordlessly and only now did the girl find her voice. “But you were new. You were still in the thrall of Homeworld’s propaganda. You said yourself that you didn’t know better!”

Peridot looked at her, a picture of wretchedness. “Regardless of my intentions, I am convinced now that the results would have been as Jasper said: doom for the Earth and all that lived or would ever live upon it. Somehow your mother found me in time; mere moments from contacting Homeworld. She stopped me, decisively mind you,” and she waved at one of the larger gouges in a limb enhancer, one Connie knew she went to great lengths to keep covered in layers of duct tape, “but the situation justified it. And then, just when I was expecting a thunderclap and an eternity of bubble stasis… your mother led me away from this place and… and across the world.”

“For months she and I traveled together. Lapis had succeeded in showing me the wonders of this world. Your mother succeeded in showing me the heinous acts Homeworld committed, the scars Homeworld inflicted. So much devastation. So many shattered,” the Green gem said shaking her head, “And some of the facilities we saw; even ruined by age and war, their purpose was clear as crystal to a technician like me. It was… grim.”

Peridot gave a humorless chuckle. “It was in the archival room of one of the interrogation centers that I found your history book, in fact… but I digress. At the conclusion of our trip your mother felt convinced that my contrition was both sincere and lasting. However, to, um, _dissuade_ me should I suffer some future lapse in judgement, rules were set down for both my probation as well as the penalties for transgressing it. If you take this situation at face value, Jasper actually is being lenient.”

Connie looked to Jasper, either for confirmation or to let her say more. The large gem merely nodded her agreement.

“Okay,” the girl said a beat later. “Setting aside for the moment the impossibility of Peridot satisfying that Kindergarten restriction these days, because that’s seriously janked,” and Peridot somehow managed to go from guilt-ridden to scandalized in the span of a second, “this is too fraught a situation to just shout it out. I’ve heard what you two have said and I need five minutes to think this through.”

The girl sat cross-legged on the metal floor, then added, “And I’m not speaking loosely; I literally mean three hundred seconds. Until then, no doing anything. Either of you. Okay?”

Neither offered any objections, though Connie’s choice of vocabulary seemed to make that hard for Peridot.

After spending a couple of seconds realizing two sets of eyes watching her were two sets too many, Connie enclosed herself in a tiny Force Fieldtress of Solitude, and tried focusing on the tangled situation before her. Which, of course, meant that only moments later her mind set to wandering...

* * *

Connie ran her free hand brusquely through her hair. She wrote furiously on the pages in front of her, the beat of the music below marking the passage of precious seconds.

As the sound of heavy steps joined the background music of the Universe household (Connie had noticed that the whole family, Steven included, tended to move in time to the ever-present tunes), Connie flipped pages of the rulebook frantically, looking up the appropriate reference tables.

A tad sheepishly, Steven entered the room with a wooden tray, a set of juice boxes and a plate of orange slices on it. He stopped in his tracks, however, when he saw Connie: her hair disheveled, a pencil shoved (backwards) behind one ear, and a small collection of wadded up pieces of paper caught in the slight depression she made sitting up on his mattress.

Connie looked up at Steven, the slightly feral cast to her face causing the boy to subconsciously step back a pace. “Um, are you okay?” he asked. “If this is about earlier, I’m sorry for laying all of that on-”

Connie cut Steven off, holding up a sheet of paper for him to see. “My character’s name is Carella Serpenthelm, a half-elven Ranger. She has three older guardians, ancients of a people largely unburdened by mortality, who… don’t always see eye to eye. As of late, she’s unsure if she can even help curtail their quarrels anymore. In each their own way, they are worriers, and I am, uh, I mean she is not a great ranger. But she tries and that’s what matters.”

Connie flushed slightly, panting a little from her delivery, but pressed on. “The reason Carella is brought to the cusp of this adventure is to get away from the squabbles of her elders and maybe become better than she is… or, failing that, find what destiny awaits her beyond rangerdom. Peedee allows multi-classing, right?”

Steven nodded mutely.

“Yeah, then that,” finished Connie.

Steven gently set the tray near Connie, who grabbed a juice box and took a grateful pull on the straw. He then took the offered sheet from the girl and pondered over it. It was a page of notebook paper with all the boxes and fields for a _Lutes and Loot_ character sheet written over it and hastily filled in.

Peedee had only given him the character sheet they’d used for Roland Preggio. _I guess Connie made her own, then._

Still looking at the sheet, Steven spoke up. “I just feel like I’m never going to be able to measure up to my parents. Like, it’s not my fault, or theirs, and I know they love me, but it’d be so much better if I was better.”

Smoothing out some wrinkles in the page, Steven turned and looked Connie in the eyes. “Do you ever feel that way?”

“ALL THE TIME!” she exclaimed, arms upraised for emphasis before quickly scrambling to keep from overturning the snack tray.

Suddenly a laugh escaped Steven’s mouth. He blinked, as though surprised by the noise before more laughs emerged. Slumping against the wall, peels of laughter wracked the boy. A moment later, Connie herself was laughing, flopping over beside him.

Steven chuckled further, absentmindedly stroking Connie’s hair. Subconsciously nuzzling against his caresses, Connie’s chuckling subsided enough for her to say, “Hahaha… what's wrong with us?”

Wiping an eye with his free hand, Steven calmed down slightly. “Hah… I know what's wrong with me. I'm not supposed to be deaf. And everyone's always acting like there's no problem. ‘You can appreciate music just like anyone else.’ No! I can't. Huh… I can't even play my ukulele, you know?”

“Of course I do. I'm not Citrine,” said Connie softly under Steven’s touch.

Steven was quiet for a moment, his thoughtful expression unseen by Connie. “How about this? You have your, uh, parent-ish people and I have my parents to deal with, and that’s just life. But you don’t have to prove anything to me. I already think you’re awesome.”

Smiling (though oddly reluctant to rise for some reason), Connie picked up on his theme and ran with it. “And you don’t have to prove anything to me, either. I like you plenty enough as you are.”

Steven, now rubbing his fingers deeper through Connie’s hair, giving the girl a light scalp massage, asked, “So, does that mean you’ll be joining me and Jeff for Peedee’s game?”

Connie chuckled. “I think Roland and Carella would make a pretty good team. If you’re sure Peedee won’t mind, then sure, I’ll play with you guys.”

Steven and Connie sat and laid, respectively, in a companionable silence for a time. When Connie grew thirsty, she moved to rise and grab her drink... when she consciously noticed the ongoing, gentle petting. Eyes wide and cheeks flushing, the girl cleared her throat. 

“Uh, Steven? Could you maybe stop playing with my hair?”

“BUT IT’S SO SOFT!”

* * *

Connie opened her eyes, her fields all gone. Jasper was looking at her in her usual unreadable way. Peridot, in sharp contrast, was all apprehension and fidgets.

“Jasper, am I a Crystal Gem?” asked Connie.

Without hesitation, Jasper answered. “Of course.”

“But I’m only thirteen. I haven’t really done all that much yet. Certainly not compared to what Peridot has done over the last five centuries.”

“You haven’t brought the Earth to the cusp of disaster,” was the deep-voiced answer.

“Well, if popular culture is any guide, I’m due for a rebellious, authority-defying streak here in the next couple of years. Dad got himself disowned from his parents… I wonder what he could have done if he’d had access to gem magic too? Give me time, is what I’m saying.”

“That’s ridiculous,” said the warrior. “And even if you did do something foolish, it would be due to that… growing thing humans do. You wouldn’t know better.”

“Oh? Gems emerge fully formed, right? You fought for Homeworld when you popped out of the Beta Kindergarten, Jasper. What was your excuse?”

Jasper, eyes widened marginally, was about to reply when Connie preempted her. “My point is this: was what Peridot did really so different? Does she really still need to prove herself to you? After all she’s done… for the Crystal Gems? For the Earth?”

Connie looked at Jasper square on, making a tiny gesture toward her yellow gemstone. “For me?”

The Orange gem squinted, as if trying to literally see the flaws in Connie’s argument, her gaze scanning the room and both of its other, non-robotic occupants.

“What _are_ you two doing down here?” asked the gem eventually.

Connie nodded to Peridot, who took a step away from the wall and gestured around them. “The goal of this endeavor is to reverse the seemingly perpetual sterility of the Kindergartens. It is my theory that key nutrients are being actively sequestered below the surface while certain compounds that are inimical to organic life are being released. By inverting those mechanisms… the Prime Kindergarten could be green in a way it hasn’t in over six thousand solar rotations.”

“I’m helping,” added Connie.

There was a pause, and then Jasper nodded to the pair. “Okay, let’s see it.”

Peridot and Connie answered over one another. “Pardon? Are you certain?!” // “Woo! Thank you, Jasper!”

Everyone stopped for a moment and looked around, as if expecting something. Connie put the feeling to words, “She’d be calling for a group hug right now, wouldn’t she?”

Jasper nodded. Peridot rubbed the back of her head and said, “Affirmative.”

Connie rubbed at her eyes and chuckled, shaking her head, “I’m glad I’m not the only one missing her...” 

Acting in unison, the trio converged towards a shared center. Connie sat on her knees, a hand on her lap. Peridot knelt beside the girl, tucking the head of thick, brown hair under her chin. Jasper sat down and pulled the pair into the sort of embrace you need to be half-again larger than everyone else to achieve.

Several of the robonoids clattered forward and, to varying degrees of success, joined in the hug.

An eternity or a minute later, the trio broke apart, taking a moment to clear wet eyes and disentangle themselves from the more cloying members of Peridot’s retinue.

“When did you get so wise?” asked Peridot, her voice dripping maternal pride.

Connie smiled despite her sniffles. “Well, I did level up during last week’s game… Anyway,” she said as Peridot raised an eyebrow at Jasper, who could only shrug, “there’s one last thing we need to resolve before Peridot gives her demonstration.”

Turning to Jasper, the girl asked, “Is there some sort of ceremony needed to make someone a vested member of the Crystal Gems?”

Jasper shook her head. “Not really. Say the oath before Citrine and, if she believes you’re telling the truth, you’re in.”

“Mind if I, uh, fill in for mom on this one?” the girl asked, hand going up to her gemstone.

Jasper just smiled.

Turning to Peridot, Connie, at a loss for how to proceed, curtseyed. Peridot smiled and gave a modest bow. “Do you, Peridot, wish to be a member of the Crystal Gems? A full member, trusted and cherished by your fellow rebels?”

Peridot drew herself up, attempting to assume an august pose, though her eyes were sparkling brightly under her visor. “I desire that very much.”

“Do you know the oath of the Crystal Gems, the Manifesto of Citrine? If so, speak it and be welcome.”

“I, Peridot Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG… that is to say, Peridot, pledge to fight for life on the planet Earth; to defend all human beings, even the ones that I don't understand; to believe that the power to choose is the greatest power of all; and then risk everything for it!” she exclaimed, radiating pride and glee in equal measures.

Just as Connie was searching for the right, important-sounding words for the occasion, a long, loud raspberry cut through the silence. Startled, Connie and Peridot looked over to see Jasper lowering her large palm from her mouth.

“It seemed right,” deadpanned the large gem, the hint of smile saying everything her words didn’t.

* * *

“Mind you,” said Peridot as her fingers operated four different sets of switches, levers, and displays on a prominent control panel, “if this works then the Prime Kindergarten will gradually become viable for organic life; it won’t spontaneously sprout six thousand solar rotations of forestalled greenery.”

“Understood, ma’am. Although that would be pretty cool,” said Connie from the field she and the whole of the robonoids were sitting on to watch the show. Jasper stood a few paces away in the balanced stance Connie recognized as what constituted ease for the large gem when in potentially hostile territory.

“Attempting to tap the sequestered resource cache now. Drawing a fraction toward the- Hmm,” said Peridot, her brow furrowing at something not visible to those below.

“This is most irregular. There’s an entire extraneous file architecture here and it’s… heavily encrypted. What could… and it’s got all these weird hooks into the conventional system. Whatever this is, it’s slapdash work,” critiqued the technician, tsking at some ancient act of incompetence.

“Is it a problem, ma’am? Do you think… should we back off?” Connie asked, feeling a little uneasy.

Peridot was quick to shake her head. “No, that won’t be necessary. The controls and functionality needed are right here and the rest of this can go twist in space for all we care. Now, accelerating resource surfacing. The shallowest deposits should be reaching the topsoil any-”

As though to punctuate the words, several pillars emerged from the floor with a grinding sound, each comprised of colored horizontal bands of stone. A scattering of debris from overhead caused Connie to look up and see that more pillars had extruded from the ceiling like too-regular stalactites.

“Uh… Peridot?”

Already working quickly, Peridot answered back. “Shutting it down, aaand it’s off. I can’t fathom what…” but the gem drifted into silence as she caught a flicker of movement among the forest of pillars.

A foot ending in a hand instead of leg, the former colored red while the latter, blue, wriggled into view.

Jasper snapped her head up then barked out, “Connie. Overhead cover!”

Acting as quickly as she could, Connie glanced up and willed two large, horizontal fields into being, mere feet above the warrior’s head. A rain of mismatched body parts plopped onto the barriers, the yellow skewing their mismatched colors even further.

“Jasper!” yelled Peridot as she sprinted into cover, “I don’t know what any of this is. Those look like reformed gem shards but… grafted together?”

“Just shoot them,” was Jasper’s response as she stomped a pair of conjoined arms that had shimmied toward the group. With a puff of smoke and a faint tinkling sound, Connie caught a glimpse of a clump of gem slivers rolling across the metal floor.

While Jasper and Peridot engaged the macabre assailants, Connie did her best to organize the robonoids who had taken up a protective ring around her. Jets of flame retardant foam joined a panoply of tiny drills and saws to dissuade the advancing limbs. The brave little Toasty and a First Law-motivated Daneel were particularly effective, the latter grabbing hold of the former’s cord and the pair using it to clothesline incoming, ankle-height monstrosities.

* * *

Close to an hour later, the last of the pillars had been shattered and neither Peridot nor the robonoids could detect what Connie had taken to calling Gem Mutants.

A fifth orange bubble full of curiously connected crystals was sent back to the temple.

Peridot, fidgeting with a mix of fatigue, unease, and anxiety, turned to the warrior. “Jasper. I have no idea what those were or why they emerged. There’s something very unusual about this Kindergarten’s setup.”

Jasper shook her head, expression unreadable. “I’m going to stay here. Patrol the area. Make sure there aren’t any more pillars. You need to take Connie home.”

Deflated, Peridot began to lead Connie and the robonoids towards the platform that would elevate them to the surface. Just as the technician was about to activate the lift, Jasper, her back to the group as she continued looking for signs of trouble, spoke up.

“I don’t believe this was your fault. Could be a malfunction. Could be some twisted leftover from Homeworld. Doesn’t matter.”

She turned and looked at Peridot directly, fixing her with a look that was, for Jasper, almost pleading. “Leave this alone for now. This Kindergarten has been here for six thousand years. Another couple of decades isn’t going to make it worse. We’ll wait until we have a new…” 

She stopped, then amended, “Until Connie is ready.”

Peridot nodded, suddenly looking thoroughly exhausted.

Jasper stared at Connie now. “We’ll resume your training when I’m back. It’s time you carried a weapon with you when going out into the field.”

Connie spoke without thinking, the words escaping her mouth without her conscious intervention. “So, you’re coming home? Like, really coming home?”

Jasper nodded. “Yeah, squirt. Now, get on back.”

* * *

Several long seconds of silence passed as they took the long ride to the surface. Then Connie heard a noise that made her turn away from the robonoid antics happening underfoot. 

Peridot chuckled dryly, then slumped down and giggled, her face in her hand-equivalents.

Robinson and Wally nuzzled their frazzled creator. Connie, meanwhile, stepped forward and bent down to Peridot’s level. “Ma’am… are you alright?”

“I’m fine. I am amazed what even a mind as logical as mine latches ahold of after too much stimulation. I was thinking of an old moving picture Lapis and I watched back in the early 1930s: a scientist created an oversized human from multiple cadavers sewn together then animated it with a harnessed strike of lightning. Preposterous, but evocative nonetheless. I can’t help but note the similarities.”

Connie blinked. “And thinking of the old Frankenstein movie made you laugh?”

Peridot looked to the girl, noting her now-dirty and torn lab coat and snickering anew. “Not exactly. If we take the comparison further, than that would make you, my faithful assistant…”

“Connígor,” groaned the girl, emphasizing the second syllable of the portmanteau.

“Get these robonoids to my laboratory and make it snappy. I have poorly conceived science to work,” commanded a faux-serious Peridot.

“Yeth mathter,” slurred Connie as they emerged into the deepening shadows of dusk in the Prime Kindergarten and walked, or in Connie’s (and Johnny #43’s) case, moved with an exaggerated limp toward the warp pad.

* * *

It happened on the very periphery of the Prime Kindergarten, in a patch of soil that had been part of the barren line demarcating the point of no return for any seeds or spores unlucky enough to land beyond it.

Of course, such organisms were indiscriminate in their germination, tenacious in their mindless way, and would not be deterred by a mere six millennia of failure.

Utterly unobserved, those efforts were vindicated only days later: emerging from the formerly lifeless soil was a tiny, green bud.

The first of many.

The Kindergarten shrank a little in size, the Earth having reclaimed a margin of itself from Homeworld.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I’d like to announce the formal addition of [CoreyWW](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW) to the Connie Swap Team. I mean, sure, [he may](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/23677404) [have written](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/23819718) [a few](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/24475980) [omakes already](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/24706131), as well as [an official chapter](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10872153/chapters/24361728) of the main fic but… okay, this probably surprises no one. Regardless, we’re thrilled to have him on board. He’s already contributing to the upcoming chapter as well as spitting out a dozen omake ideas in each planning session.
> 
> Speaking of omake, there are several new entries to share since last week:  
> *) [The Boss Fight](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10673391/chapters/24706131) by [CoreyWW](http://archiveofourown.org/users/CoreyWW/pseuds/CoreyWW) \- “An exploration of what might have happened during Doug’s visit to the Universe household.”
> 
> *) [Give Me A Sign](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11059050) by [Jess4400](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Jess4400/pseuds/Jess4400) \- “Ronaldo tries to teach Connie and Steven this language he calls ‘Gem Gestures.’ Connie and Steven try to teach Ronaldo ASL. Many facepalms ensue.”
> 
> * * *
> 
> We come now to the conclusion of _Assistant Connie_. Normally I would say that next week is the start of the next episode, but for the first time in about four months, that’s not going to be the case. International travel and post-school year activities are going to delay the next episode slightly. However, we’re not going to leave you all without any updates.
> 
> In anticipation for this hiccup, the Connie Swap Team has been working extra on several omake chapters that we’ll be posting on Wednesday the 14th instead, including more than one that are 100% canonical. In terms of combined word count, they equal or exceed the length of a normal Connie Swap chapter, so take comfort in that.
> 
> Then, on the Wednesday following that (June 21st), we’ll start **Episode 8: Sadie Miller’s Day Off**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _Jenny Pizza has invited Sadie along for a little road trip with the Cool Kids. Leaving Lars to cover for her for once, she drags Connie along for moral support._
> 
> * * *
> 
> If you have a Connie Swap story burning in your soul that you want to see in our official, curated Omake collection, drop us a comment either in the Omake fic or here in the main fic and we'll get in touch.
> 
> Connie Swap has an official Discord for the fans. [Come check it out.](https://discord.gg/RQMDdhr)
> 
> As usual, we'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments and your asks at the [Connie Swap Tumblr](http://connieswap.tumblr.com/). Thanks for reading!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Give Me A Sign](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11059050) by [Jess4400](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jess4400/pseuds/Jess4400)




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